The Storm

Why must it come in waves
Some at my ankles some drowning my head & face

Then lighter,  ripples & I think I'm happy
Then it Crashes at me
A storm that roars So deep, so heavy - it tears at me

Then gentle sprinkles, drips on the floor
But this house, it feels, it's coming down
 this house it feels May fall apart

Sometimes i wonder where is up, where is down
I'm lost and the waters just swirl around
I feel like gulping and giving in
I feel like life has won and I'm no longer in it

I'd take even a flicker for this raging storm 
There must be something to guide me on
I need the rays to shine in this deep night now
Does Every storm have A light house

"Everybody Happy, Happy"

I like to keep people happy. It’s something I have to work on because I can try and do this too much sometimes and forget that there is no way you can make everyone happy. In fact, it’s not your responsibility to make anyone happy. Your job is to love God and others. The happiness thing is a choice for each individual.

Well tonight, as I struggled with my toddler to go to sleep at a reasonable time. Really, I knew better. If I change one thing in the bedtime routine it sets off a ripple affect that leads to my son playing a game of how much play time can I get in before I go to bed. He also has meltdowns over little insignificant things that would regularly not upset him. Well tonight was one of those nights and I changed the schedule because he was sick and I needed to go downstairs to get the nasty contraption that sucks all his snot out of his nose because I’m trying to avoid another ear infection. He is pretty prone to those right now with allergies and colds and such that are in full swing.

So after I lay him down and he falls asleep pretty fast once I leave the room, I know I did the right thing even though moments before I closed his bedroom door I was having an inner battle. Should I have given him more medicine? Should I torture him with one more battle before bedtime? He may just be teething. Maybe he needs more Tylenol. What if I caused this? Where did I take him that made him sick? Maybe he’s hungry. Maybe I should have fed him more for dinner. And the list goes on…

Finally as I reached downstairs and I let go of the questions. I talk to God and say “God it is so hard to keep my son happy”.  And immediately he said “that’s not your job”. And immediately I realized that’s not God’s job either in relationship to his children. How many times do we think it is? My job is to keep my son alive, teach him right and wrong, how to choose the former and identify the latter. My job is to teach my son about God and share the promises he has for us. But most importantly my job is to love my son. Part of that love is sometimes really tough to carryout because it’s not easy to love someone who doesn’t understand the reasons behind your actions and when you try to explain them they still can’t understand.  Sometimes my son will fight my best efforts to help him feel better. Like giving him medicine… that’s a pretty tough task. Or using the weird contraption that helps take the boogies out. Yeah that’s probably the worst battle…

I feel like this is so much like our relationship with God. He is doing the best for us. He is loving us and keeping us alive spiritually. Sometimes taking us through tough trials. Sometimes we get ourselves into some really messy situations. He is helping us through those. Sometimes disciplining us. This is God in his finest because he loves us he allows us to grow. He helps us grow even when we don’t necessarily want to. He does not want to allow us to stay sick or in an unhealthy situation. He patiently and lovingly puts up with our antics. When we yell at him and blame him in our confusion and frustration. He works alongside us to get out of it. But we have to let him.

If you are in one of those situations I hope you know God is with you. You may not hear him or see him but I know that no matter how dark or dreary the situation he is there. And he will never leave you and he will (if you let him) get you through it.

Hold on to your Father. Surrender. And allow Him to show you the way out of the mess or through the mess today. Oh and Remember the scripture  James 1:2-4

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Sometimes, that's how we know we're doing something right. 

I'm Prego and I Know IT!

Wow! Who knew... if eggs start smelling funny you might be preggers. I think I was in serious denial. My husband and I had been trying since November... I know probably not a long time for trying but seriously, my mom was a "fertile Mertle" as they say and it seems like everyone in my family is as well (ex: my grandma had 13 kids). So... it had been a few months and I was wondering if we were doing something wrong... Ok not really but I was wondering if something could be wrong with me. Not in a really fearful way just curious and then there was the idea that maybe we would just have to wait a year or two till I got pregnant...
So 5 months seemed like a long time to me... I'm new at this ok.

So we planned this lovely 3 year anniversary trip to Ireland. My husband booked all these pretty places to stay and see. We knew we wanted to do this before we had kids since with kids it would be that much more expensive and difficult. We saved and made it happen. So exciting!

Well about two days into our stay in Ireland, which is absolutely beautiful by the way, I had a strange thing happen. Eggs smelled funny as did bacon but the eggs especially turned me off. I thought it was just the special "Irish" homegrown eggs and bacon. But, my husband had suspicions I was prego right when I asked him if I could move my plate of eggs to his side of the table because they were making me feel nauseous. There were a couple of days that I could barely get anything down except a couple of crackers... I started to worry I had a stomach bug. Or that by eating Irish produce I may had been exposed to some foreign bacteria and now was suffering the repercussions. I really had no idea what it might be but I did consider pregnancy. I mean I was late, but that wasn't uncommon and I really didn't want to get my hopes up so I just pushed that thought away and focused on Ireland. I did eat but not as much as the first two days and my stomach was particularly picky and made Ireland cuisine and traveling difficult to enjoy.

We rented a car for this trip and we drove (well my husband) drove us all over the island. I really need to learn to drive a standard. Driving sounded so picturesque and lovely, and it is. I mean there are lush hills, sheep and cows skipping and running in the fields, old castles and houses... but there was this one problem. I get car sick. Driving on the left side didn't help, oh and Ireland's two way roads are the size of one lane in America. I saw my life flash before my eyes far too many times to count. I did not like riding in Ireland. I was sick, Very sick. Constantly trying to control the little to no food that was in my stomach that wanted to come up.

Don't get me wrong Ireland was beautiful and fun. The best parts: a massage, riding bikes along the west coast, the Cliffs of Moher and Dingle a cute little southern coastal town. And basically anytime I didn't have to be in a car was much nicer.

So I get back to the USA. So happy because for some reason I thought I would somehow magically get better. I really did think that. I didn't understand why the nausea was still there... Hint hint Melina. Your prego! Well  the first day back, I call my mom while on break from work and tell her what happened over there and I mention a little about the eggs and not feeling well. She instantly is convinced I'm pregnant but i refuse to fully take her excitement on. I mean wouldn't I know? I mean I ate produce. I probably have bacteria. I mean I'm not that late. Hmm... so I know i can take a test after I get home from work. I'm not eager to leave work or anything. I just know when I do she wants me to take a test ASAP for her peace of mind. So I finish work and eventually take the test.

My husband knows what I'm doing and asks me through the door, mid testing, "Are you taking a prego test." I mean come on. Closed door. No privacy. And this is a test. Shh... be quiet. I need to concentrate or I might do it wrong. Seriously those were my thoughts... I didn't voice them. So instantly the lines come up for "you are pregnant". And I just look at it. In shock and disbelief. I think about going to buy another one. I don't want to tell my husband because what if it changes. You are supposed to read it after 2 minutes and I think it's only been 20 seconds. Hmm... Well, I wait like 20 more seconds and I open the door and I tell him. He hugs me. We both look nervous, scared, shocked... And kinda huh how did this happen? Ok not really, we knew how. But really, Wow! It really does work!

So we are expecting!

After a few weeks of trying everthing to fight the pregnancy nausea, I've kind of gave up eating only healthy and light. I'm also eating some less healthy things and sometimes just what sounds good. Now, I don't do this for every meal or even everyday but I do it more than I thought i would let myself. And it's all within the restriction of what they say in the pregnancy books and articles that is safe for the baby. Honestly, loosing my body is really scary. It's also exciting to see a human being growing inside a belly but it's scary when it's my belly. But I'm working out (safely) and I'm not eating a whole cake in one siting. Not yet. Lol. Haven't had cake yet even though I really would like some. Who wants to make me one? Well maybe a small one just for the baby. Ok but that's my beginning story and now you have more insight into how a crazy, hormonal, prego woman thinks.

No Superwoman

WIMP! I heard it A LOT growing up. Oh believe me I tried to prove them otherwise. Sometimes fighting back as hard as I could! Unfortunately, I wasn't very successful. Well, maybe it is fortunate.

The result: I am not going out for the role of Wonder Woman. You know the women who say "God won't give me more than I can handle" and just grin and bear it all through life. In fact, I tend to overreact when first faced with complications and troubles. I now proudly confess to being a wimp. In fact that's kind of my life's philosophy on much of the things that I encounter. You may think "Wow, she is so weak and pathetic. What a cry baby." Well, sometimes, Yeah, I am.

I will admit I have to ask for help A LOT. I like advise. Yet, each time I learn something new and I usually gain a wealth of information from the situation. In fact, with the knowledge of my weaknesses I know I can Always go to God and ask him for help. I don't worry about how I failed to achieve doing it on my own. Nope, I like leaning on God and even those who love me and will help me. I am truly grateful for them. I ask God to take difficult things away too- burdens, loneliness, fears and frustrations that are heavy to carry. I ask him to guide me through my struggles and the storms of my life. I don't agree with the mindset that this is the hand we are dealt and we just have to live with it and do the best we can. NOPE.

I could "Be Strong" and carry every burden and trouble I face all by myself but I figure a lot people have already proven their amazing Will Power and Strength against difficult odds. I wouldn't be the first one to be called Wonder Woman. I wouldn't be really special because I chose to prove how tough I am. There are so many things that I have asked God to take from me because I truly didn't want to handle them alone. Sometimes I knew I could handle them but I just didn't want to. I probably would survive doing things on my own but I believe I don't have to be Superwoman and I don't want to be. In fact, it is when I ask God for help that I realize how faithful he is to deliver even when I feel so very undeserving. I feel like WOW! You didn't even have to do that God, I would have been ok really but you chose to do that for me just because of your Amazing love for your daughter.

Thankfully God does take the things I can't handle away many times. Other times, I have had to lean on him. In those troubling times he gives me strength that I don't have on my own. I've definitely faced things that I really hated. Things that made me feel like there was no way I would get past it. Things that made me want to stop trying in life. Just give up. Quit. What's the point anymore. It can be frustrating at first when you face trials. You ask "why me". Sometimes I get angry thinking "God, why aren't you taking this away?" Then he gently shows me he is with me and everything will be ok. He shows me that eventually I will be able to see relief. He helps me see there will be someone that I will encounter in life that I will be able to help who is going through a similar situation. Slowly, I start to feel lighter. Sometimes it takes days, other times it takes months but I eventually realize God is carrying the load as I begin to trust Him...

God helps me through each trial whether it's providing the strength or taking the issue away altogether. One thing I know is: No issue has been too big or too small for my God. He is faithful and Good even when I don't understand.

He's Home!

He is HOME!

I know military wives around the world can truly empathize with these feelings of Relief, Joy, Thankfulness, and just all around Excited that my husband is home after a 45 day TDY. No it's really not that long of an absence compared to a 1 year deployment but being a part from each other no matter how long the time, distance and circumstances is not fun or desirable.

As soon as he got home he was notified that his schedule is changing to inconvenient days and times off that don't correlate with my work schedule at all. In turn, I get frustrated, sad and conflicted once again. I try to stay positive but it's difficult. The last thing I want to do is be unsupportive or make him think I'm mad at him. It isn't him, it's the schedule and the likelyhood we won't see each other as much. My husband's schedule hasn't stayed the same for longer than a month for the past 7 months since he returned home from his deployment, you'd think I'd be used to this by now... Well, I am used to the changes in some ways and am not used to them in other ways. Every change in his schedule leads me to calculate every possible time we will get to see each other in the week and times we can actually get quality talking times for longer than 2 minutes. I also think of all the activities I'm involved in that conflict with his new schedule and stress over how my schedule will cause us to see each other less... I feel guilty for causing more seperation that necessary. Then I try and assure myself that the things I am involved in are completely legitamate and helpful for my spiritual walk. Can you say overanalyzer?

I learned some things while my husband was away on deployment last summer. We read the book 5 Love languages. My top love language being quality time is not easy to fulfill when your husband is miles away! It's also difficult when he works hours that are opposite of you. Yet, he has done a wonderful job of reaching out to me and talking with me as regularly as he can. I love how much and how well he loves me! It is something I hope he can teach others. You see he doesn't just love me the way he thinks he would want to be loved, he seeks to love me in ways that I desire! That is just so important. He teaches me a lot by how he loves me. He stretches me because I want to learn to love like he does, selflessly and without any selfish gain. We all could learn from this example. This is how Jesus loves us. Selflessly. He died so we could live. He freed us from our own self destruction. It's pretty amazing. One thing being married has taught me is that you can always love more. It isn't a limited thing. Your capacity just keeps growing.

Something the Army has taught me is change will happen and we can't get stuck in one pattern of thinking or too comfortable with one schedule. I'd say God allows the Army to take the sense of security and control out of my hands so that He can lead me to refocus and lean on God again and trust Him to be my source of security and to be the one who is ultimately in control of all things. "He sets the governing authorities in place" "He works all things for the good of those who love Him". I lean on these verses constantly. Without God's promises I would be a frazzled mess. Thankfully after my freak out moments with each new change I feel a peace and I start to trust again. I don't trust that the Army has the best in mind for my husband and I. But I Truly believe God has the best in mind for us. He loves us sooo much and he knows our every need.

For All The Ladies

It's official! I'm starting my masters in Marriage and Family Counseling. Stating that, you now understand that I am not an expert by any means on marriage. I've been married a total of 1 year and 2 months. It's really not long compared to many couples. Yet, in the time of marriage and before marriage I really feel like my husband and I have had some incredible people pour into us as a couple. We've also read tons of books. That's one of our things, reading together. We will lay in bed at night before we go to bed and read not always but sometimes. Most of the time the books are on marriage. We have learned a lot about ourselves and each other from those books. We discuss what we read and what stands out to us. We do the quizzes in the back and answer truthfully. That's huge. One thing that I would say in reading these books is how we can struggle disclosing how we feel because we don't want to hurt the other person or it leaves us feeling vulnerable. Now the big thing is to be able to discuss things in a loving and understanding and patient environment. Not attacking each other for different view. Just listening and paying attention to the other persons feelings on the matter at hand. Then after that we work out what we both will do to show each other the love that we have in the most effective way.

I sometimes hear women complain about marriage issues. I hear them voice their complaints about their husbands. I often times wander if they are effectively speaking to their husbands.  I learned early in my marriage that I wasn't communicating to my husband effectively. Thankfully we had a book or two that helped me learn to change. The books spoke on how complaining to your mate will never get the results you are looking for. If you nag about the same thing over and over and he isn't doing it, then stop nagging. It's not going to work. That's it. Final. Nope. Don't say "but". Ok just listen. Calm down. I know you're angry because your heart longs to be heard and you feel like he isn't showing you that he loves you by ignoring you. But really this will help you. Stop complaining to your spouse. It just won't work. One writer mentioned that when we make our requests demands it causes the person who may have actually been happy to do something for you to actually resist because you are demanding it. It isn't fun anymore. They feel forced.

Second, learn to praise your husband. What for you might ask? Well, think of one thing that he does that you like. Write it down and make a point of randomly thanking him for doing that. The next day thank him for something else he does that you like. If you can't think of one more thing pray about it. Thank him for just being your husband. If that's all you can think of. Is he a hard worker? Did he throw away his trash? Did he do his laundry? Did he set and keep a budget? Is he creative? Does he smell good most of the time? Does he ever buy you things?  (Remember it's the thought that counts not necessarily the expense or correctness in what he got you). Praise him. Make it an everyday habit. I really believe it can work wanders. Not only on your husband, but in your own heart. You will begin to see how thankful you are for your mate.

Then, focus on all the things he does good. Pray about everything you get frustrated about and don't allow yourself to dwell on it. When needed, kindly tell him how things that he does are making you feel unloved. Say it calmly and in a loving way. Also surround it with nice things. So an example would be: Honey I know you love me, and I thank you for working hard for our family. One thing I would really like is for you to help me with the dishes. That would really help me feel loved by you. Or if you are not an acts of service gal, maybe ask if he would possibly surprise me with a gift someday... Or you might give him hints of things you would like. One of the things I see women do all the time that kinda drives me crazy is they expect their husband to read their mind. Well I actually have done it myself. But let's face it no one can do that. Sometimes we don't even know what we really want. Yet, if you think about it maybe you can pinpoint some things that your spouse does that makes you feel really loved. Maybe you would like him to set a date for just you two to get away and do something you like. If that's too much for him, You could say "Honey I saw this restaurant that I would love for us two to go to without any distractions." These are just suggestions. Feel free to be creative and find what would be most fulfilling for you. You may have very different requests. The idea is not to nag. To lovingly let your husband know that this is the way he can help you feel loved.

Next, in return ask if there is something that you could do for him to help him feel your love more effectively. It is possible that you feel like you are moving heaven and earth to please your mate and you may not be speaking the right language for him. You may cook the most exquisite dinner but if his love language is physical touch then really he is wanting to do something else besides enjoy a 5 star dinner. He might want a little romance. Also, you may try to show your love by buying him gifts but all he wants is for you to have the house clean when he gets home. Ask him. How do you expect him to show love to you when he is riding on E. He may feel completely unloved or respected by you. You never know.

These are the things that I feel I have been learning lately. I haven't perfected it. I still make mistakes a lot. I just thought wow this is information I think many women can learn from. I sure did.

May God bless you in your search for bettering your marriage relationship. We can always grow and I am constantly finding new information. I hope you learned something from this.

Frustration

If only I could feel confident after being defeated once more. If only I could live without self doubt. If only I wouldn't worry. If only I could just trust... even in the most difficult times. If only...

I don't want to live in "if only". I feel it is a defeatist mindset. I will be confident today, if not in my own abilities but because God chose me. God doesn't pick losers. They may start out that way but He seems to always turn them into winners. Gideon is a prime example. He was hiding in a wine press. That's right hiding. And God calls him a "mighty man of valor". Hmm... hiding in my book = scaredy-cat. But to God ... Well God saw something greater. He saw the mighty warrior that Gideon would be one day.

I will not doubt myself today because I belong to the King. My identity is found in his word. I am an "OVERWHELMING Conqueror in Christ Jesus"! Christ is the winner. He chose me and he chose me to be on the winning side. So whenever I feel like I'm losing, I just need to remember who's side I'm on. I'm winning! That's it. Final. Doesn't matter what I feel like. The battle is over. Today's battle is really not important in the grand scheme of things. The big battle is over.
It's kind of like in war. The opponents surrendered a week ago. Yet right now there is a small skirmish where you are living. You fight your opponents and you get frustrated because you start losing. But wait... the big war is already over. They don't realize that the big guy on their side already surrendered and lost. They didn't get the memo. Ooops! They are fighting for nothing. Your side already won. It doesn't mean you should quit the skirmish. It just means you keep going knowing who is the winner!

Finally, I don't need to worry and feel that this trial may whip me. I GOT THIS because God's got me! For when I doubt I am only calling my God small and powerless and I know he is anything but powerless. I mean who else has parted a sea for people to pass on dry ground? Just a thought for those who feel like wow "Can it get any harder"? My answer is Yeah, maybe. But I can trust my God. God is stronger, harder, tougher, braver, and enduring through all these trials. He will get me through this. You and I can trust that He is our rock and our strong tower. That means, if something is just to tough for us. All we have to do is go to God and lay it down at His feet. His grace will get you through the toughest of times. Oh yes He will! I can and will praise Him through the storms of life.

Let's start praising!