It's official! I'm starting my masters in Marriage and Family Counseling. Stating that, you now understand that I am not an expert by any means on marriage. I've been married a total of 1 year and 2 months. It's really not long compared to many couples. Yet, in the time of marriage and before marriage I really feel like my husband and I have had some incredible people pour into us as a couple. We've also read tons of books. That's one of our things, reading together. We will lay in bed at night before we go to bed and read not always but sometimes. Most of the time the books are on marriage. We have learned a lot about ourselves and each other from those books. We discuss what we read and what stands out to us. We do the quizzes in the back and answer truthfully. That's huge. One thing that I would say in reading these books is how we can struggle disclosing how we feel because we don't want to hurt the other person or it leaves us feeling vulnerable. Now the big thing is to be able to discuss things in a loving and understanding and patient environment. Not attacking each other for different view. Just listening and paying attention to the other persons feelings on the matter at hand. Then after that we work out what we both will do to show each other the love that we have in the most effective way.
I sometimes hear women complain about marriage issues. I hear them voice their complaints about their husbands. I often times wander if they are effectively speaking to their husbands. I learned early in my marriage that I wasn't communicating to my husband effectively. Thankfully we had a book or two that helped me learn to change. The books spoke on how complaining to your mate will never get the results you are looking for. If you nag about the same thing over and over and he isn't doing it, then stop nagging. It's not going to work. That's it. Final. Nope. Don't say "but". Ok just listen. Calm down. I know you're angry because your heart longs to be heard and you feel like he isn't showing you that he loves you by ignoring you. But really this will help you. Stop complaining to your spouse. It just won't work. One writer mentioned that when we make our requests demands it causes the person who may have actually been happy to do something for you to actually resist because you are demanding it. It isn't fun anymore. They feel forced.
Second, learn to praise your husband. What for you might ask? Well, think of one thing that he does that you like. Write it down and make a point of randomly thanking him for doing that. The next day thank him for something else he does that you like. If you can't think of one more thing pray about it. Thank him for just being your husband. If that's all you can think of. Is he a hard worker? Did he throw away his trash? Did he do his laundry? Did he set and keep a budget? Is he creative? Does he smell good most of the time? Does he ever buy you things? (Remember it's the thought that counts not necessarily the expense or correctness in what he got you). Praise him. Make it an everyday habit. I really believe it can work wanders. Not only on your husband, but in your own heart. You will begin to see how thankful you are for your mate.
Then, focus on all the things he does good. Pray about everything you get frustrated about and don't allow yourself to dwell on it. When needed, kindly tell him how things that he does are making you feel unloved. Say it calmly and in a loving way. Also surround it with nice things. So an example would be: Honey I know you love me, and I thank you for working hard for our family. One thing I would really like is for you to help me with the dishes. That would really help me feel loved by you. Or if you are not an acts of service gal, maybe ask if he would possibly surprise me with a gift someday... Or you might give him hints of things you would like. One of the things I see women do all the time that kinda drives me crazy is they expect their husband to read their mind. Well I actually have done it myself. But let's face it no one can do that. Sometimes we don't even know what we really want. Yet, if you think about it maybe you can pinpoint some things that your spouse does that makes you feel really loved. Maybe you would like him to set a date for just you two to get away and do something you like. If that's too much for him, You could say "Honey I saw this restaurant that I would love for us two to go to without any distractions." These are just suggestions. Feel free to be creative and find what would be most fulfilling for you. You may have very different requests. The idea is not to nag. To lovingly let your husband know that this is the way he can help you feel loved.
Next, in return ask if there is something that you could do for him to help him feel your love more effectively. It is possible that you feel like you are moving heaven and earth to please your mate and you may not be speaking the right language for him. You may cook the most exquisite dinner but if his love language is physical touch then really he is wanting to do something else besides enjoy a 5 star dinner. He might want a little romance. Also, you may try to show your love by buying him gifts but all he wants is for you to have the house clean when he gets home. Ask him. How do you expect him to show love to you when he is riding on E. He may feel completely unloved or respected by you. You never know.
These are the things that I feel I have been learning lately. I haven't perfected it. I still make mistakes a lot. I just thought wow this is information I think many women can learn from. I sure did.
May God bless you in your search for bettering your marriage relationship. We can always grow and I am constantly finding new information. I hope you learned something from this.
